Ahoy, Me Hearties! It be International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and I be treatin' it as Translate Like A Pirate Day. Here be a new scrap o' th' Melvin Gospel fer yer Eddy Vacation.
A certain one there be who came to Cap'n Jesus, an' he said, "Scullmarster, What good thing must I be doin' to secure me spot is safe ports 'til the seven seas goes dry?"
And the Cap'n, he said, "What line o' barnacles izzat? If fer quiet portsa fer all time is what ye seek, then obey the High Admiral's commands!"
"Which be they?" he was askin'.
"Have ye no' read th' list?" bellowed the Cap'n. "Don't be endin' yer fellows' voyage prematurely! No swashin' another man's buckles! No plunderin' ill-gotten booty! Speak truly! Be givin' yer mater and pater their just dues! Be treatin' all as ye treat yerself!"
"Aye, I HAVE done," said the pipsqueak, "Be there still somethin' I'm lackin'?"
And Cap'n Jesus says "Aye! T'bury treasure heaven-like, be tradin' all yer belongin's fer doubloons, and give such coin as ye get t' th' poor! Then go on the account with me. That's whatcher needin'!"
Good instructin' notwithstandin', the younglin' went adrift, th' wind bein' gone from hi'sails, fer he had much treasure buried away."
Then came Rootbeer th' Pirate, known a'fore as Redbeard th' Pirate, and holdin' a cutlass t' th' man's throat, helped him much t'wards goin' on the account with Cap'n Jesus by freein 'im of all such booty as he 'ad 'pon his person!